Things No One Ever Asks

If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 50 things about your friends, and let them learn 50 things about you!

1. How tall are you barefoot?
One time, when I was reeeeeally little, I shoplifted. It was a pen disguised as a walnut, which I guess was cool to me or else I just wanted to put something walnut-sized in my pocket. Anyway, I felt guilty about it later, so I gave it as a gift to my aunt.

2. Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship?
My parents just called and told me my bird Tigger died of shock when my mom tried to trim his beak. I feel a little guilty because they had offered to give me my birds back once I moved out of the dorms, but instead I abandoned them to the tyranny of my mom. It's silly for me to feel guilty, though. It was mom who murdered him.

3. Do you own a gun?
I finished all my projects at work early today.

4. If you had a mental disorder, what would it be?
When I'm in an airplane it never fails. The thought crosses my mind, "We might explode mid-flight," and then the rest of the trip I'm fighting the urge to stand up in the aisle and start yelling about repentance.

5. How many letters are in your crush's name?
My grandma collects eggs.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I always wished I was 6 foot even. That way, when someone asked me how tall I was, I could say, "Six foot even."

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Sometimes when I punch Eric it's because I want to kiss him, but other people are around. Sometimes when I punch him it's because I want to punch him.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
My dad makes awesome pastrami sandwiches.

9. Do you do push-ups?
I was Mrs. Claus in my 4th grade musical, "Mrs. Claus to the Rescue". The lyrics to one of the songs I sang was, "Why couldn't I have married a guy who wore some normal clothes?"

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
When I was 11 and had a crush on a boy I memorized his parents' license plate number. Then, whenever I was in a parking lot (like at the grocery store or movie theater) I'd scan the plates of all the cars to see whether he was there, too.

11. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I'm allergic to pine.

12. Do you like the rain?
One time I had a FREAKY dream about a hundred bicycles that hated me. I was a little pauper boy in Russia and it was winter. I had to carry kindling back and forth past this rickety shed full of bicycles. In the dream, the bikes never did anything except hate me. I could feel their rage burning inside them as they saw me walk past with my arms full of kindling. Thank God I woke up before they mobilized.

14. Do you own a knife?
It's like 85 degrees outside but I wish I'd brought my gloves because the air conditioning pumps straight into my office.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
No.

16. Full initials?
Somebody once told me it's impossible to fold a piece of paper in half more than 11 times before the paper wad gets too dense to fold by hand. Every once in a while I think to myself, "AHA! What if the paper were the size of California? THEN it could be folded in half WAY more times than 11." And then I remember yet again: if the paper were the size of California, I wouldn't be able to fold it in half by hand even once. I don't know why this dilemma even takes up space in my brain.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
I've needed a root canal for over a year now. Hurray insurance!

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought today:
Once I was attacked by a school of flying fish. No kidding. I survived, obviously.


Maybe I'll do a part two sometime. Or maybe I'll pace myself better at work, so I never have to kill 20 minutes again. My bet's on the former.